Wednesday, August 12, 2026

What’s Working

For readers looking for what’s still working in the world

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Philosopher Leo Tolstoy was married nearly 50 years. His marriage advice still stands today.

In the tapestry of Leo and Sophia Tolstoy's nearly five-decade marriage, we find a narrative both instructive and deeply human. Their union, marked by both profound love and intense discord, illustrates Tolstoy's enduring wisdom: "What counts in making a happy marriage is not how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility." This insight resonates through the complexities of their relationship, where compatibility was less a given and more a shared journey. Despite the turbulence, their partnership was a crucible for growth, allowing both to live fuller lives than they might have alone.

Sophia's role as both muse and manager in Tolstoy's literary career underscores the intricate dance of personal and professional lives woven together. Her diaries reveal a woman grappling with the demands of a husband whose ideals often clashed with domestic realities. Yet, even amid the struggles, the couple's story is not one of defeat but of perseverance and mutual dependence. Their marriage, with its blend of love and conflict, offers a nuanced understanding of commitment that transcends simple narratives of success or failure.

Constructive analysis

The constructive-journalism lens: not just what happened, but what works.

The problem
The challenge of sustaining a long-term marriage amidst personal and ideological differences.
The actions
Tolstoy and Sophia engaged in open communication through shared diaries and maintained a partnership in both personal and professional realms.
Evidence of progress
Their marriage lasted 48 years, with Sophia actively contributing to Tolstoy's literary works by copying manuscripts and offering critiques.
What we can learn
The importance of addressing incompatibility with open dialogue and shared endeavors, recognizing that a partnership can thrive on mutual growth rather than mere harmony.
PERMA wellbeing profile of this story

Seligman's five pillars of wellbeing, as expressed in this story.

Positive Emotion
6
Engagement
8
Relationships
9
Meaning
8
Accomplishment
7
PERMA

Character strengths in play

Top VIA strengths this story embodies.

  • Perseverance

    Despite their tumultuous relationship, Tolstoy and Sophia remained married for 48 years, navigating the challenges together.

  • Love

    They were madly in love when they got married in 1862, and they shared everything, including their diaries.

  • Courage

    Sophia honestly journaled about her feelings, expressing the difficulties she faced living with Tolstoy's ideals.

Try this today

Reflect on a relationship in your life where differences often arise. Identify one area where you can apply Tolstoy's advice by focusing on how you handle these differences rather than seeking complete compatibility.