Child psychologist shares 6-word phrase to say to upset kids that works better than ‘calm down’
The article presents a transformative approach to parenting, particularly in moments of emotional turmoil with children. Instead of the oft-repeated and ineffective command 'Calm down,' experts suggest a more empathetic six-word phrase: 'I see how upset you are.' This phrase acknowledges the child's emotional state, validating their feelings rather than dismissing them. By doing so, it fosters a sense of safety and connection, crucial for emotional regulation. Pediatric occupational therapist Samantha Stiles and child psychologist Dr. Carla Allan emphasize that such acknowledgment helps children feel understood and loved unconditionally, which in turn can help de-escalate the situation.
This method not only addresses the immediate emotional needs of the child but also sets the stage for them to develop self-regulation skills. It shifts the focus from imposing calm to nurturing an environment where calm can naturally arise. As parents model relaxed and composed behavior, they teach by example, offering children a blueprint for managing their emotions. This approach resonates with broader themes of emotional intelligence and mindful parenting, highlighting the importance of connection and empathy.
Constructive analysis
The constructive-journalism lens: not just what happened, but what works.
- The problem
- The challenge is that children often cannot self-regulate their emotions, and the common parental command to 'calm down' is ineffective and can exacerbate feelings of isolation.
- The actions
- Experts recommend using the phrase 'I see how upset you are' to acknowledge the child's emotional state, thereby fostering a connection and a sense of safety.
- Evidence of progress
- Experts note that children hear 'calm down' as a dismissal of their feelings, whereas acknowledgment helps them feel seen and understood, which is essential for calming down.
- What we can learn
- Others can learn to replace commands with empathetic acknowledgment in emotionally charged situations, which can help build emotional regulation skills and strengthen relational bonds.
PERMA profile of this story
How this story scores across the PERMA dimensions.
- Positive Emotion
- 8
- Engagement
- 7
- Relationships
- 9
- Meaning
- 8
- Accomplishment
- 7
Character strengths in play
Top VIA strengths this story embodies.
Love
To feel understood and accepted in that moment, even when you may not agree with your child’s perspective, shows them you love them unconditionally.
Perspective
When our bodies are relaxed and our voice is calm, we model the exact skills we want our kids to develop.
Kindness
You’re meeting them where they are instead of asking them to meet you where you want them to be.
Try this today
Next time you notice a child (or even an adult) in distress, try acknowledging their feelings with a simple statement like 'I see how upset you are.' Observe how this changes the dynamic of the interaction and fosters a more supportive environment.